Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
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Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.