Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
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I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.