Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
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2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
He just like my cat fr