ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
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i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
next level snooze
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*