“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
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I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
I needed a laugh this morning.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Great acting.. 😂
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”