Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
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Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.