Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
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Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
yes, those are my real potatoes.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?