Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
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The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Stop.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.