Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
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for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.