dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
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Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”