I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
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I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.