A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
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Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles