Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
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Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
how high up are we talkin’?
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.