Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
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[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”