“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
You Might Also Like
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
#MeanwhileinCanada
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks