If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
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you know what ruined my childhood? children
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.