people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
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Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Something Saturday.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.