I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
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[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle