me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
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I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’