Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
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Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Omg 🤣