Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
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If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
this could fix me
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
True statement👍😏😁
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Never be a pizza!
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.