[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
You Might Also Like
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.