[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
You Might Also Like
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
bugs when you lift up a rock
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
You got this…
I’ll be mad as hell!
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.