[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
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Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Smile they said.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.