people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
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Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now