Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
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*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
I need to get some bricks…
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Breaking news:
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.