*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
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MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Passwords are more important than ever.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
That’s incredible! 👌
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.