Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
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Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
this has done me in for some reason
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh