i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
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*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out