All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
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Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
when you don’t want to be too vague
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking