my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
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My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I put the hot in psychotic.
My purse is deeper than some people.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”