Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
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Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.