I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
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Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
The news in a nutshell.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
My circle of trust is a meatball