I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
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10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
That’s fair
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.