kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
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I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.