FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
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Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…