Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
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My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
This chloroform smells expensiv…
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
The first one, obviously
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
What kind of a cult is this?