[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
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If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
✌️
I don’t get marriage
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.