Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
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Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting