*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
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[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Basically.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!