Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
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things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Phones down.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Don’t we all.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
We’ve come full circle
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
“Sheer Arrogance”