This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
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‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do