If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
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How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I camp so other people don’t have to.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
bugs when you lift up a rock