My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
You Might Also Like
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome