When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
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Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.