I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
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Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen