Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
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I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
huge if true: the moon
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?