[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
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I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
And now we wait
meanwhile over on facebook
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.