[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
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[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.