[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
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*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
When I grow up, I want to be 16
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow